...and No Amount of Bactine Will Ever Wash Away the Pain (List)

Making lists is how I keep track of favorite things or events and helps me organize my thoughts. I keep a running tally of just about everything, although I rarely write these things down. They are always sort of buzzing around in my head, constantly adjusting and changing. Even though it can be a little self-indulgent, I thought it might be fun to publish some of these lists occasionally and invite a person or two to share theirs on the same subject. The following is one such list.

I recently asked my youngest son how many times he had been stung by bees or wasps, to which he replied, “I don’t know, a couple of times, I guess.” You don’t know?! Here is my list of Earth’s creatures that have wronged me in the past:

• Stung by:

Sixteen bees

Eight wasps

Two hornets

• Pooped on by two grasshoppers

• Bitten by countless flies and mosquitoes

• Gotten hundreds of gnats stuck in my eye

• Scratched by neighbor’s cat

• Bitten by two dogs, tackled by another

• One foot stepped on by a donkey

Susan:

• Pooped on by one bird, which is apparently good luck, according to lore

• Stung/bitten by a mystery bug and sent me to the hospital for two days

Greg:

• Stung by one bee

• Stung by hornet twice and almost died (seriously)

• Bitten by one dog

• Mosquitoes don’t bite me much, maybe 20 times. Must have sour blood.

• Attacked by one goose

• Bird pooped on me twice (different birds) Editor’s note: you are extremely lucky

Ben:

• Bitten by friends’ dogs but nothing serious

• Scratched by cats, of course

• ∞ mosquitoes

• Scratched by an opossum

Campbell:

• Stung by three bees

• Scratched ten times by a cat

• Hit by two birds

• Bitten by tons of mosquitoes

• Two spider bites

• Pecked by two chickens